I am a breast feeding Natzi

I am a breast feeding Natzi

Some facts:

• I have breast fed all three of my kids
• I love it
• Breast feeding IS the best thing for your baby.  (If you don't agree, I don't care. It means you have no idea what you are talking about.  Here's a link.  Do some research.)

Boobies were made for babies to eat from them.  Not for boys to gawk at.  They work well for gawking.  And I have used mine once or twice in the old days for less than classy ventures.  But their intended purpose is to store milk and distribute said milk to screaming baby faces.

  Recently I have read a couple of news stories where a nursing mother has been ridiculed or harassed in public while trying to feed her kid. Here's one. Here's another.
Some of these stories made it to the Facebook pages of my local news outlets, and the drama ensued.  I had NO IDEA there were really so many people out there who thought public breastfeeding was such a crime against humanity!  I got frustrated trying to voice my opinion there amongst all of the morons trying to out scream each other.  And frankly, I really only like to hear myself talk. Hence this blog.  So I'm going to give a few of the objections and then tell you why they are all complete bullshit.

 "Why don't you just do it in the bathroom?"

Oh!  Wow!  I should have thought of that!!  The bathroom!!  I have an even better idea.  Why don't you join us!  Pick up that burger you are shoving into your fat face, and you can eat your lunch sitting on a toilet seat used by thousands of strangers.  No?  You don't want to do that?  I'm sorry.  I thought you were saying it was a sanitary place for someone to eat.  I think I'll stay here where I am then.  But would you mind facing the other direction?  Watching you eat its making me want to puke.

Another classic line: "Peeing is natural too, but you don't see people urinating in public anywhere they feel like it"

Good point.  Well, it WOULD be a good point if instead of breastfeeding my baby, I was busting out both tits and spraying milk all over the jewelry counter at Kohl's.  But I'm not.  At least not yet.  I won't say I'm above this.  I would just need a good reason.

"Why can't you just put it in a bottle and then bring it with you"

Because it defeats the purpose of breastfeeding.  If you knew what the f*#@ you were talking about you would know that you lose milk this way.  SOOOO to make up for the breastfeeding I was missing by giving my kid a bottle instead, I would have to pump.  Which would you rather see me doing.  Discreetly feeding my baby under a blanket? Or hooking my nips up to a vacuum, flipping a switch, and instantly destroying your image of boobies forever. Ever see a cow get milked by a machine?  Imagine that, but with clear plastic cones doing the work instead of the modest metal tubes they use for Ol' Bessie.  It's not something you can un-see. 

"It doesn't matter if it's legal, it makes people uncomfortable, and you should be understanding of that."

You wanna know what makes me uncomfortable?  Really fat people.  Not like, normal fat people, but like "so fat I have to use this motorized scooter in the grocery store because for some reason I think having to WALK to the freezer section to get my pot pies is going to do me some harm" fat.    You know what else? Obviously fake boobs, and really loud teenagers make me uncomfortable.  But can I ask them to all get in the bathroom?  No.  I can't.  And mostly because after Pot-Pie and Tits McGee, no one else will fit.


Bottom line is this.  If you have a problem with me breastfeeding my kid, then you must also have a problem with every Vitoria's Secret ad, every catalog during swim suit season, every girl at every club you've ever been to, every trip to the beach.....I could go on, but I think you get the point.

Now unless any of you have any better points to make, my baby is hungry.  And I think today she feels like eating at Wal-Mart. 

That's it.
Becca

As I was writing this post, another article came to my attention. Apparently formula is KILLING BABIES!!! Are you serious??!! So here's the thing. The only reason to ever feed formula to your baby ever again is if you physically cannot breastfeed your baby. And I mean you take every herbal supplement, call every crazy witch doctor, and milk your boobs til they BLEED before you CHANCE that the formula you purchased at the store will kill your baby. God gave you titties for a reason.

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Recipe Time! - Tequilla Pasta

Recipe Time! - Tequilla Pasta

Tequilla Pasta

(16 ounce) package fettuccine pasta

1/3 cup chopped fresh cilantro

2 tablespoons minced garlic

2 tablespoons minced jalapeno peppers

3 tablespoons butter

1/2 cup chicken stock

3 tablespoons tequila

2 tablespoons fresh lime juice

3 tablespoons soy sauce

1 1/4 pounds skinless, boneless chicken breast halves - cubed

1/4 red onion, sliced

1 red bell pepper, thinly sliced

1/2 yellow bell pepper, thinly sliced

1/2 green bell pepper, sliced

1 1/2 cups skim milk

 1/3 cup flour

Directions

1. In a medium saucepan, saute the cilantro, garlic and jalapeno pepper in 2 tablespoons of butter or margarine over medium heat for 4 to 5 minutes. Add the stock, tequila and lime juice. Bring the mixture to a boil and cook until reduced to a paste-like consistency. Set aside.
2. Pour soy sauce over the chicken and set aside for 5 minutes. Meanwhile, In a medium sized skillet, saute the onion and the red, green and yellow bell peppers with the remaining tablespoon of butter or margarine, stirring occasionally.
3. Meanwhile, cook fettuccini according to package directions.
4. When the peppers have wilted, add the chicken and soy sauce. Toss and add the reserved tequila/lime paste milk and flour. Bring to a boil. Gently simmer until chicken is cooked through and sauce is thick. Toss with well drained fettuccini and garnish with cilantro. Serve.

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Recipe Time! - Glazed Pork

Recipe Time! - Glazed Pork

 

Brown sugar and balsamic glazed pork chops

 

Ingredients:

4 bone in porkchops

 

2 teaspoon ground sage

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon pepper

2 clove garlic, crushed

1 cup water

Glaze

1 cup brown sugar

2 tablespoon cornstarch

1/2 cup balsamic vinegar

1 cup water

4 tablespoons soy sauce

Directions:

Combine sage, salt, pepper and garlic. Rub over pork. Place in slow cooker with 1cup water. Cook on low for 5 hours. About 1 hour before roast is done, combine ingredients for glaze in small sauce pan. Heat and stir until mixture thickens. Brush roast with glaze 2 or 3 times during the last hour of cooking. Add remainder of glaze to liquid in the crock pot to use as sauce for pork.

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Recipe Time! - Mexican Enchiladas

Recipe Time! - Mexican Enchiladas

Chicken enchilada lasagna with green chili sour cream sauce

 1 pkg thin soft tortillas

3 large chicken breasts cooked, shredded

2 cups shredded Monterrey Jack cheese

1 can enchilada sauce

3 Tbsp. butter

3 Tbsp. flour

2 cups chicken broth

1 cup sour cream

1 (4 oz) can diced green chillies

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Grease a 9x13 pan

  2. Mix Chicken and 1c. cheese

  3. In a sauce pan, melt butter, stir in flour and cook 1 minute. Add broth and whisk until smooth. Heat over medium heat until thick and bubbly. 

  4. Stir in sour cream and chilies. Do not bring to boil, you don't want curdled sour cream.

 5. Lay tortillas in pan to cover sides and bottom. 

 6. Add about 2 cups of chicken mixture.

 7. Drizzle enchilada sauce over chicken mixture

 8. Cover with another layer of tortillas

 9. Spoon white sauce over tortillas until they are all covered.

10. Repeat until you reach top of pan.  Finish with a chicken layer

11. Sprinkle cover with remaining cheese and white sauce

12. Bake 22 min and then under high broil for 3 min to brown the cheese.

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Some DYI For Ya

Some DYI For Ya

We recently moved back in to our house (after we were supposed to relocate and then didn't have to).  We are trying to make it the house we WANT to live in instead of the house we HAVE to live in.  We have repainted every room, cleaned like mad people, and purged our lives of tons of unnecessary clutter. 

Next up is furnishing.  If you read my post about Craigslist (read it here) you will know I'm a ruthless hunter of a good deal.  I am also a psycho about not buying something if I can make/do it myself.  So here are a few of the things I have recently refinished/made look better. 

The color pallet for the finished basement/family room is all shades of greens and browns.  We have a big old desk we got for free from friends a few years ago and it was just too ugly for words. It looked like this but "L" shaped and beat to hell.

Here it is now...

It's a mess, but you get the point.  Its a funky avocado green and glossy chocolate brown top.  Here's what I used...

3 cans of Killz spray primer
Painters tape (to tape off the chrome parts.  I wanted to keep them silver)
Rust-Oleum High Proformance Protective Enamel in Dark Brown
Krylon Indoor Outdoor Spray Paint in Avocado
Smooth surface small roller (to roll the top)

That's it! It can be completely finished in 2 days.  The enamel paint take 24 hours before you can do a second coat.  I LOVE it now.

Second project:  my bedroom furniture is all hand me downs from various people.  All really good quality stuff.  All from no later than 1970.    My dresser was the first thing I tackled.  It was all medium colored wood. It was my husband's when he was a kid.  Tarnished brass drawer pulls and lots of scratches and nicks.  I HATED it. Here it is now...

 I wish I had a better camera.  Or knew how to use the one I have.  What I used:

1 can of Killz spray primer

Rust-Oleum High Performance Protective Enamel in Gloss Black

Glass "crystal" drawer pulls from Lowe's

Smooth surface roller

I used a roller for all of the black paint.  Even the nooks and crannies.  I didn't want brush marks.  Two coats and BAM!  Fabulous dresser.

Next up: The end tables.  They were decent Mid Century Modern end tables (the labels on the back said 1963) But the color was like nasty brown and they didn't match anything else.  Well, really, nothing I have matches anything else, hence painting it all the same color.  We did the same primer/gloss black with them.

If you have any questions about refinishing your own stuff, ask away!  I've been studying up and can probably help. 

Thanks for reading!

 

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I'm wheelin' and dealin'

I'm wheelin' and dealin'

Let me get this straight.  You have a 7 year old microwave (and because it's Craigslist I'm going to guess it's more like 10 years old), you are obviously wanting to get rid of it, your listing is over a week old,  I'm offering you $10 less than your asking price, and you STILL want to hang on to it?  Really? 

Does something is your moral fiber dislike my low ball offer of $10 less?  Did you once accept an offer $10 lower on something and then ended up being imprisoned in Mexico shortly after and if you had only been able to pay them that extra $10 they wouldn't have let the donkey have their way with you?

Backtrack...

We are trying to fix up our house.  On a budget.  And when I say budget I'm not talking like "the less expensive furniture store" budget.  Or the "we can't afford leather this time" budget.  We are on the "Are the pee stains better or worse on this used couch than on the one we already have" budget.

I have become totally and completely obsessed with Craigslist.  I would prefer to be out garage sale-ing every Saturday when the rooster crows, but apparently most garage sale havers aren't really up to the whole winter sale thing.  Lame.  Oh, and speaking of roosters....how about this little gem I found...

Roosters
Rooster Plates $50
Rack: 7" x 2" x 40 1/2" high;
largest plate: 14 1/2" diameter.

Hen Basket $35
Metal.
12" x 6 3/4" x 7 1/4" high

Rooster Kitchenware Cruet $35
Four piece set.
Includes tray.
Porcelain.
9 1/2" x 3 1/2" x 7 1/2" high.

Rooster Wall Clock $35
Wood.
Uses 1 AA battery (not included).
13 1/4" diameter.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

WHY YES!!!! I would LOVE to hand over 50 freaking dollars for your ROOSTER PLATES!!!  And I see you are asking $35 for your kitchen accessory which appears to be a cyborg rooster of some sort.  I couldn't possibly let your part with it for so little.  Would you take $115?  

Couldn't you at least provide a damn battery for the poultry clock you are charging $35 for?  Please?


All day I'm sorting through this kind of nonsense and calling every hoarder in St. Louis trying to make our house look as amazing as I imagine it on my Pinterest board.  It is pretty pathetic. 

My problem is this.  I am afraid if I look away for just one tiny second, someone will post the deal of the century and I will miss it.  Like if I turn my head to take care of another "mommy-is-there-still-poop-on-my-butt" situation someone else will swoop in and snatch up my long awaited vintage picture frame lot.  You know.  The one they will pay YOU to take away from them?  That one.

I think my husband is getting a little annoyed.  Ok, I KNOW he's getting annoyed.  We are still virtually living out of boxes after being in the house for over 3 weeks, and I'm home all day talking trash to people on the phone about how there were 3 other over the range microwaves for half the price of what they were asking, but I was wiping a 4 year old's ass and I MISSED THEM!!!


Here's another fun listing:
Bedroom
I'm selling my queen bed and mattress for $200 or best offer serious buyers only the mattress rests on the rails so no need for a box its comfortable and has barely used.

• Location: st louis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Don't tell me.  Your mom found out you were holding young girls hostage in your basement.  She said you either had to turn yourself in or get a job.  But before you can get a job you need to get a new wardrobe....for $200.  Can I give you some sales advice?  Try making your bed look a little less "kidnappy" before posting pics online. K?

I have found a few really great things.  Some things that I wouldn't have been able to find anywhere else.  The sellers were reasonable people. After I went to see the items and pointed out every single thing wrong with them and listed off the many ways I would have to work on them once I got them home, they normally met me on the prices. 

I mean who can say no to a mom dragging 3 kids to your house to look at a 30 year old chair saying things like "It's JUST what I have been looking for!  I'm so lucky to have stumbled across your ad!  I'm sure little Jonathan (4) will love steam cleaning it for me.  He only burned himself on the forearms last time.  But that's how they learn. Right?  Oh, crap.  I left the baby in the car.  I forgot.  You said $40 right?  No?  Oh shoot....well.  Oh, you'll take $40?  Thank you!!!  You totally made my day."

Works every time.  Unless you are a douche bag..  Like this guy:

Kevin harvick bud neon - $250 (St. Louis)

This a brand new neon. NO haggling

• Location: St. Louis
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

KEVIN HARVICK IS WORTH EVERY PENNY DAMMIT!!!!!

He might actually be worth all $250.  I'm just pissed.  I need some artificial sweetener and caffeine.  Off  to NOT buy more things!

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Kiddo Project 10-12-11

Kiddo Project 10-12-11

OK, so THIS  is what the kids and I were attempting to make.   I have become a hoarder of reusable stuff.  Boxes, jars, tubes, any container.  I keep it all.  And I've been able to use most of it so far for different craft projects. So i had plenty of boxes and what not to start building our garage.

It didn't turn out too bad.  And the kids love it.  Some basic instructions under the photo.

• Lay 2 pieces of flat cardboard end to end for bottom "base".  Tape together with packing tape. (I used 2 shoe box lids flattened)
• Glue old scrap paper on top.  I squeezed the glue on and let them use old paint brushes to spread it.  (I used computer paper that was printed on already. It didn't fit perfectly but the kids didn't care)
• Hot glue (or tacky glue) 4 toilet paper tubes in the corners of one of the base boards.  (I used paper towel rolls and cut them in half. I would NOT recommend this.  It was next to impossible to get them the exact same height and to cut a straight line across them.)
• Cut a 2"(approximately) "flap" opening in another cardboard box.  (I used a shoe box) Tape another scrap of cardboard to the end of the flap to create a ramp.
• Glue paper scraps to the outside of the box.
• Hot glue the box to the tops of the tubes
• Glue the flap end down to the base
• Draw yellow parking space lines inside the box and on the base boards.

That's it!!  Post pictures of your projects! I want to see em'!!

And another tip for you...

We painted pumpkins yesterday (which is way easier than carving).  I needed a paint palette and remembered that one time I decided to go all health nutty and bought expensive brown eggs in a plastic egg carton.  I suggest doing this just once.  It makes for the perfect paint container that you can wash and reuse!!   You are welcome.  

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....I am the principal of my own school

....I am the principal of my own school

Not long from now I will be embarking on the momentous journey that is homeschooling. This certainly wasn't always the plan.

Ever since my first son was born, I have been waiting for the day I could pack his little book bag, pat him on his little head, and then tell him not to come home until 3pm and lock the door behind him. Then I would do all of the things I had been putting off because of the kid.  Getting a personal trainer, doing more charity work, make dinner.  And I certainly wouldn't be missing any more Judge Judy.

He  managed to make it through his toddler years without becoming a sociopath even though we decided against preschool.  We thought cheap bottles of wine and a Netflix subscription were a better way to get a break from being parents. (Be honest, isn't that all preschool is anyway?)

In the past year he has learned all of his letter sounds and can read simple things.  He can add and subtract in his head.  We try to engage him in lots of philosophical discussions such as,  "How the boy in the wheelchair is just like you," and, "Why we don't pee in the garage."

Our school district is mediocre.  And since I am going to be home all day anyway, we decided it was in his best interest to start with homeschooling.  Maybe forever, maybe until I'm sure he won't know what Oxycontin is before he turns 10.

What amazes me is this.  Whenever I inform other parents of my decision (mostly other moms) you would think I just told them that in lieu of school, we are going to lock my son in a lead box and read him text books through a speaking tube for the next 13 years.

The first thing they say is something to the affect of "I just wouldn't have the patience."  I get that.  It is going to be a time consuming and daunting task.  Especially at first.  Considering my kids will be 5, 3, and 1, you might think I'm insane.  I know that at first it will be like trying to teach the oldest monkey to use simple tools, while the younger monkeys run around and throw poop at you.  But eventually we will find a system (and a more expensive wine) that works.

The next thing the other moms mention is the "socialization".  A few things things always pop into my head.

1) Where exactly do you think we will be having school?  In a fall out shelter?  No.  We will be in the same places we go now.  Our home, the library, the park.  And considering he never shuts the hell up and that he just asked your daughter if she thought he looked "debonair", I'd say we are doing pretty well on the socialization.

2) What is so amazing about the socialization at a regular school?  I even went to a private school and by the third grade, I knew what a blow job was. I also had added the "S" word to my vocabulary by the time I left elementary school.  (Don't tell my mom).  Spending 90% of your time with kids your own age isn't exactly a prime social experience.

3) Everyone is always talking about the environment in schools.  The bullying, the superficial attitude, good kids being ignored because the bad kids take up too much time.  And....

4)People are always saying parents no longer play a big enough roll in their children's lives.  You always hear about not having enough "family time" and how this is detrimental to a child.  Home schooling is a great solution to both of these problems.  How many people do you hear about being bullied in home school, or in  home school programs? How many home school teen pregnancies do you hear about?  So few, actually, that I couldn't find any stats about it.

And last but not least, I think there is no denying the educational value of home schooling.  Here is a link to the findings of a study done comparing home schoolers and traditional students.  Basically, no matter your income or education level, if you home school your kid he/she will be in the 80th percentile and above.  Percentile of what I'm not sure.  But hopefully it's not teen pregnancy.

So next time someone tells you they are home educating their kids, tell them how great it is instead of how crazy.  Because although I may actually be insane, the choice to home school is probably the most logical thing I've done in a long time.

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....I am older than I thought.

....I am older than I thought.

In my head I am 21.  In my head I am living some other person's life, raising some strange kids, and married to some guy who wont let me spend money.  In my head I'm just waiting for the minute I wake up and realize I'm still 21.  I will get dressed in my size 4 slutty outfit, do my makeup way to dark and head out for the night intending to get too drunk and make some bad decisions.

My reality is much much different (except for the dude who won't let me spend money).  And sometimes this reality jumps up and slaps me in the face.  Hard.

Last night was my sister-in-law's surprise birthday party.  My sister-in-law is 23.  She is married to my little brother who's also 23.   Most of their friends JUST graduated from college, and many are in the midst of their college experience.

 At parties of people my age with kids, I am the "funny" one.  I'm not tiny, but I'm not huge.  And I'm generally one of the younger people in the group.

At this party, as soon as I walk in the door, I feel like an ancient sperm whale trying to tell jokes in a foreign language.  It's just beyond uncomfortable.  And me being me, I try and announce my uncomfortableness to the masses, (or whoever is standing close to me) by saying things like "wow,  I certainly don't belong here" and "do you need me to change your diaper?  I think I have one in my purse".  You know, laughing at your self makes other laugh too, breaks up the weirdness.

Nope.  Just made things weirder. Maybe jokes about me wiping their asses were only funny to me.  Lesson learned.

To ease my feelings of fatness, I decided the best thing to do was to eat.  A lot.  I had like 4 plates of food.  And by food I mean chips and taco dip and cookies and cake and chili.  Looking around at the table I was sitting at I notice that I'm the only one with a clean plate in front of me.  Not to mention the only one with 4 clean plates in front of me. I tried to be sly and push them toward my husband to make it look like he was the human garbage disposal. But then I looked over at the plates already in front of my husband, and realized that he didn't need my help in that area.

At one point the girl next to me asked if I wanted to play cards.  I think to myself "FINALLY, something to do besides sit here and look old."  I figured we'd play spades or hearts (are those the same game?) or something simple like this.  I was right about the simple part, but forgot that "cards" to anyone under the age of 25 is just a way to ingest more alcohol whilst under the guise of playing a game. So that later they can blame the stomach pumping and herpes on a lengthy game of "circle of death"..

My husband and I decline the invitation and find another deck of cards and decide to play something else.  We realize we have no idea how to play any card games except War and Slap Jack.  We spend the next 30 minutes Googling "Gin Rummy".  Someone we don't know walks by and says "Are you Googling how to play Gin?" She finds this funny enough to share with her friends. (None of which are clothed appropriately for 50 degree weather I might add).

In the end we couldn't figure out how to play Gin and play Slap Jack instead.  So the oldest people in the room are at the table making too much noise slapping jacks, and having old people arguments about who won the hand. My pathetic-ness had reached a new low.

It was 10:30 and time for me to get the hell outta there.  My self esteem had plunged to stripper-esque levels.  I might have started undressing for attention had I not remembered that I hadn't nursed the baby since 7:00 and I would probably soak the poor kids with breast milk.  My carriage turned back into a 10 yr old minivan and away we went.

Finally in bed, just as I'm sure the party was getting in full swing, (as was my husbands snoring. Beer makes it extra loud) I started thinking about the night.  I had spent PLENTY of my own nights not too long ago just like those kids.  Partying til the wee hours.  Making those bad decisions I mentioned.  But all the while, all I ever really wanted was what I had at that moment.  Great kids and an amazing husband. My life is exactly what most of those chicks at that party probably wanted.  The reality was, they were probably jealous of me.

Then my husband sleep farted.  A beer fart.  And I thought...maybe not.

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Kiddo Project 9-19-11

This weeks kiddo project is really simple and you can do it with stuff you have already!

"Metal" Wind Chimes

For this really easy project you will need:

- Disposable baking pans
- Sharpies
- Duct tape
- Yarn (or string or fishing line or whatever)

Cut out the flat bottom of your baking pans.

Cut each bottom in half.  Duct tape all of the edges to keep the kids from slicing their fingers off. It takes a little bit of time, but worth it to avoid an ER trip.

 Let the kids start coloring to make the top part of the wind chimes.  Using the sharpies on the tin makes the colors pop!

Cut the edging left over into shapes to hang down as the "chimes". I used the shapes with the top rolled part of the pan at the bottom of the chimes because they are heaver and they make more noise. (Since you can't cover the edges of these with the tape, this is the "mom part" of the project.) While kids are coloring their pieces, you can color some of the shapes too.  Or don't.  The craft police won't show up at your house or anything.

Once everyone is done coloring, use a hole punch to punch all of the pieces top and bottom. I let the 4 yr old hold the punch and squeeze while I positioned the pieces.

 I used three strands hanging down, you can do as many as you want. Again, no craft police.

Tie them all together and hang it up!  Yay for crafts!

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.....I am no longer hooked.

.....I am no longer hooked.

 My addiction to TV goes back to before I can remember.  I have always had certain shows I had to watch religiously.  When they get cancelled I always feel like a part of me was cancelled along with it.

Our DVR was so overworked, we went through two different boxes in 2 years.  My husband couldn't even watch TV half of the time because something was always recording while I was watching the things that we didn't have storage for. It really wasn't pretty.

For years now my husband has been trying to get me to cancel our satellite/cable service.  And for years now I have been telling him to slowly back away from the TV or I would cut him.

A few months ago, he finally sat me down and made me pay  bills with him.  I was shocked at how much of our money was going out instead of staying in.

To my dismay, I found out most of the bank account draining was my fault.  I have a problem with opening credit cards at every store I ever walk in to because of the 10% discount off your first purchase.  Yes, I know I'm that sucker they are always looking for.  I always swear I'll cut them up as soon as we get that first bill, but that is as likely as Michael Vic representing the ASPCA.  

We had to save some money somewhere.  Of all of our unnecessary expenses, (e.i. Internet/cable/Captain Morgan) cable was the one, I felt, as much as it pained me, I could live without.  Maybe. 

So the cable company was called, and the service was cancelled.  It was arguably one of the scariest things I had ever done.  What would I do with the kids when I took a shower?  Would I have to play with them more than once a day?  How would my 4 month old ever learn about Dora, or Handy Manny? She will be the laughing stock of play group!!  Most importantly though, I wasn't sure if I could survive that first 24 hours without Judge Judy.   Seeing her bitter, sarcastic self the hour before the dinner crazies started was the only thing that kept us all alive some days.

 The first couple of days were weird. No TV to turn on first thing in the morning.  No news in the background while we ate breakfast.  And the quiet was a bit unnerving.  When you have 3 kids, quiet means only bad things.

The kids missed it a bit.  They complained when I told them we were going to find other things to do besides TV.  It was a bit more than complaining really.  It was more of a grieving process.  First they were in denial.  "But mommy, the TV is right there. That means our shows are there too. WHY ARE YOU LYING TO US!!"   Then guilt "Why did you take it away?  Is it because I said 'shit' yesterday?"  Bargaining : "I promise we will not bite ANYONE for at least a week if we can have our shows back."  Reflection "Henry, remember when Dora used to solve all of life's problems by simply speaking very loudly in Spanish?"  

After the dramatics, they began to just find other things to do.  It was amazing.  They would just go off and play with their toys, read a book, or beat on each other.  I also found that it was easier for me to get things done.  I was cleaning the house more often, preparing meals ahead of time, and just generally finding things to do.  

Many of my friends have been without cable for a while.  I always rolled my eyes whenever someone told me this.  I, of course, judged them. "Silly hippies", I would think.  "You think you're happy, but you really just want to claw each other's faces off after staring at them all night every night."

Now, I get it.  My husband and I have conversations longer than the length of a commercial break!  We play games with the kids before bed! Death threats are no longer issued because of lost remotes!  

We aren't completely without television entertainment.  We still have Netflix through our Wii and Hulu on the computer.  But the kids only watch 30-45 minutes of TV a day MAX.  My husband and I have gotten to enjoy watching a few TV series' in full without commercials or waiting a week between episodes. But many days and nights, the TV doesn't even get looked at.

So to all of you who say "Well, I'm glad it worked for you, but I know myself and my family and it would never work for us."  I am calling you out.  The cable and satellite companies will allow you to suspend your service for 6 months.  You can call them any time and have it restored immediately.  So you really have no excuse.  At least try it for a week or two.  You may be surprised at how much you were missing. No, you WILL be surprised.  I promise.

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I am green with envy....(the 3 second rule)

I am green with envy....(the 3 second rule)

But I'm working on it.  I used to spend hours and hours looking online at things that just weren't possible.  Whether it was furniture, or places to vacation, or clothing, I just wanted it.  I would fantasize about when and how I could get these things.  I would feel sad about not being able to have them now and about the slim chance I could have them ever.  It was depressing instead of enjoyable.

But who really plans a family summer vacation to the underwater hotel?  And I may love those Jimmy Choo shoes, but the day I spend $700 on a pair of shoes, is the day I get served divorce papers.  It took me a while to realize that my poor emotions couldn't take it.  I have found a much healthier way to kill time.

I have decided to only give 3 seconds of my time to things that are not possible. So after 3 seconds of looking at something, if it isn't possible to make it with the funds and items I have RIGHT NOW, then I don't give it another second. Come to find out, there are SO many things that are possible!

I am obsessed with creating things.  I love making silly little crafts with the kids.  I try and make it something we won't throw away. Something we can use a few times or keep around for decoration.  Sometimes it doesn't go as planned.  Like when I wanted them to finger paint pictures I could hang up as "modern art." They ended up looking like we hung up paper in the chimp cage at the zoo.  Apparently the art of mixing colors is a bit lost on them as of yet.

I love to design and make my own home decor pieces.  There are so many easy things you can use to make items that look just like they're from Pier One or Anthropologie. Again, they don't always turn out perfectly.

When looking at things to fix up the house, I use the same rule: three seconds.  If it's obviously something that will cost more than we have right now, or something I can't tackle when we have a free weekend (not 10 years from now) then I move on and spend that time on something possible.  So now, instead of list after list of things that aren't going to happen, I have lists of things that I can do today.

So for your blogging entertainment, I will be posting various things that you and I can do or buy now. Such as fun projects for the kids, neat-o DIY home decor items, organizational ideas and ideas to help save money to name a few.  Not things you (and I) will sit around and commiserate about not having.  I would love it if you would post pictures of the things you make, or share links to the things you like or inexpensive things that will help us now.

Yay for being happy!!

And here are two fun and easy ideas that I wanted to share.....

These are the rocket packs!! (Click the picture to find the instructions.)

This is an awesome shoe rack that I found to replace the awful box we put all of our shoes in. PVC pipe!!  Any suggestions on how to stick them to the wall? LOL!  Haven't gotten that part yet.

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I am not a mother......

I am not a mother......

Well.  Technically.  I am a mother.  I have conceived and birthed 3 children. But that's not what this blog will be about.

Actually, I have a love/hate relationship with blogs.  I love them because I can scam home decorating/child rearing/toilet cleaning/sex tips from them.  I hate them because they seem really self indulgent and narcissistic.  I especially loathe the blogs dedicated solely to being a mom.  Why in the world would you want to spend your extra time blogging only about the drunken circus clown midgets who take up all of your regular time???  No thanks.

I titled this blog "I am not a mother" because it isn't my title.  I am a person.  I am a wife, a life coach, a friend, an artist, a daughter, a sister, blah blah blah.  Most of the time I'm a complete disaster, as is my life. Lucky for you, most disasters are at least mildly entertaining for others to witness.

I'm hoping my space on the inter webs will be about stuff other chicks like me find interesting.  News stories worth bitching about.  Happy anecdotes worth weeping into your diet coke about.  Projects that are worth copying and then claiming them as my own so you can tell me how awesome I am.  Maybe some mom stuff along the way, because, let's face it, they DO take up all of my regular time.

I encourage your feedback.  Either publicly berating me in the comment section, or privately via email (bring it).  What doesn't make me cut myself, only makes me drink more.  And drunk blogging is the best blogging. At least for my sake, I hope this is true.

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