I am a slave driver.

I am a slave driver.

I'm pretty sure that most people feel much better about themselves and their lives when they have a purpose.  No body likes to be just a piece of crap with nothing productive or positive coming from their efforts.  I know that when I get into a funk of sitting around the house all day, not doing anything, letting the kids drive me crazy and doing nothing useful, it starts an awful downward spiral.  I keep wanting to do something, but the lazy wins out and I feel worse and worse until something I can't avoid drags me out of it and I can get back to feeling normal.

Welp, kids are the same way.  They need to feel important.  They need to feel useful.  They need to feel like they are part of something.  You tend to hear about this in older grade school kids and high schoolers.  They need to feel like they belong, so they join groups of "bad" kids because it's the easiest to get into.

Younger kids feel the same way.  And the group they want to feel a part of is their family.  Our responsibility as parents isn't to "take care" of our kids.  Our responsibility is to provide for their basic needs and to teach them to be productive, responsible adults.  Mostly so that they won't come back once you've gotten rid of them!!

I want to preface this with saying, I am in no way perfect. I lose my cool with the kids, I get into the habit of doing things for them. And I don't always hold them or myself accountable for our actions.  BUT, these are the standards and rules that we try to keep in our home.  Our kids are happy, healthy kids.  We play a LOT and have so much fun doing most of the things I'm going to suggest.  So here we go...

Kids need jobs


The jobs need to be age appropriate. I'm not having my three  yr old doing loads of laundry. But he can help sort it and put it down the chute.  My 5 yr old's jobs are as follows:

• Trash night he helps empty smaller trash cans into bigger ones and helps take the bags outside to the trash.  I say HELPS, because he is 5 and needs guidance and direction.  If I sent him off to do the trash by himself, I would end up with used Kleenex all over the house.
• He sets the table every night before dinner.  I get the dishes out and set them on the table. He gets out silverware, and he places them where they go around the table.  
• He clears the table of all of the dishes after every meal
• He (my three yr old does this too) gets himself completely dressed in the morning without any help.
• Dusting the rooms during Saturday morning cleaning spree.

My kids aren't extraordinary.  They are normal kids.  And I think most parents underestimate what their kids are capable of.  We tend to OVER estimate.  Why not show your kids how much you think they CAN do instead of how much you think they CAN'T do?

Be Consistent 

It is SO tempting to do the jobs for them to get out the door quicker in the morning. Or just to save you the irritation watching them struggle with getting their pants on in the morning.  But TRUST ME.  It is so much better to wait it out for a while.  In the long run, they figure it out and save you time.

Consequences (Not punishment)

I in no way mean we should punish our kids for not doing their jobs. But for instance

• Set a timer at meal times.  Whatever they don't finish in the allotted time, they don't eat.  
• If they decide they don't want to do their chore, they have to pay me (or a sibling) to do it out of their allowance. (Which I'll talk about in a minute)
• If they order something at a restaurant and don't eat it, they have to pay for what they don't finish.
• If they don't get dressed in the morning in time to walk out the door.  They carry their clothes with them and put them on when we get where we are going. (This one works like a charm. It may take a couple times. But eventually, they are going to be embarrassed and realize you mean business)

Allowance

Our kids don't get paid to do chores. They get a set amount every week not matter what.  We want to teach them to be responsible with their money. So...

• Set an appropriate amount (we do $2 a  week)
• Divvy it up. (1/4 goes to God, 1/4 goes to savings, 1/2 is to spend)
• Explain what money is for.  Take him to a store he likes, give him $5 and let him spend it anyway he wants.  Show him that money buys you things you like.
• Set a goal for his savings.  Have him pick out something (a toy, a trip) and have him save for it so he understands the process.

Most of this is to alleviate my own frustration with my kids. I have 3 and sometimes it seemed impossible to get everything done.  I was spending so much time telling and retelling and then yelling at them to do things, when they really didn't know how or have any concept of why they were doing it.  Now they get it.  And while I'm dealing with the things they CAN'T do, they can complete the things they are able to.  They feel needed and productive and I don't want to kill them. 

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....I am a horrible nurse.

....I am a horrible nurse.

I have been in the same clothes for almost 48 hours.  I stink of vomit.  I could fry bacon with the grease in my hair.  Things are getting serious. 

Let me back track.

It all began a few nights ago.  I was playing Martha Stewart minus the jail time, getting ready for the kids' Valentine's Day party with my MOMS club.  I was going way over the top as I tend to do.  Cupcakes baked in ice cream cones (which I had to fashion special baking pans for),  Mini pizzas with heart shaped peperoni (I cut each effing pepperoni out BY HAND with SCISSORS), and an almond and jam cake for the moms.  It took hours.  Once it was all finished I headed off to bed.  I had an early wake up call to frost/cook/box up all that shit. 

I woke up in a pool of vomit.  My 10 month old (who sleeps with us because I'm too lazy to put her in her bed after she eats at night) puked all over me in her sleep.  And since she wont eat solid foods (she's totally a bee-otch about food) her main sustenance is still a liquid, so it was a LOT of vomit.  It was pooled up in the indentation my arm makes in the mattress.  It smelled like rotten milk, because that's basically what it is, and it was cold. 

I'm waking up and that brat has the balls to look up at me and smile.  So hubbs and I clean it all up, change the sheets, bathe the evil one, and get back into bed to try and salvage the last hour of sleep til the other two monsters wake up.  She is not having it.

She doesn't act sick. She's decided it's time to party and wants me to entertain her.  She's loud enough to wake her brothers. So we get up.

It's about 6am at this point and I'm feeding them all something.  I have no idea what it was, just whatever my hand landed on first in the fridge.  One was probably eating pickles and apple sauce.  And the other a can of minced garlic and milk.  I probably mixed it together like cereal.  And when they complained I'm sure I shouted something like "SHUT THE HELL UP AND EAT IT OR GO BACK TO BED AND STARVE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WHY DO YOU HATE ME??!!!" 

I was still determined to get to the party.  I made that shit, and someone was going to eat it and tell me what an amazing cook I am and how in the world could I have made it all in one night.  And I was going to say "oh it was no big deal. I love doing it and the kids get to help out!"  This would all be a lie.

I tried to convince myself that the baby just ate too much and puked some of it back up.  So I gave her some cut up bananas and started to frost the cakes.  She ate the bananas and I nursed her.  No sooner had she finished boob #2, when she puked up an entire banana and 4 ounces of milk all over me.  And smiled.  I hated her.

I cleaned up again but left on my vomit clothes because I was sure it would happen again. 

Some stuff happened that I can't remember until lunch time.

 Since I wasn't able to take the pizzas to the party I was going to make them for lunch.  Like I said SOMEONE was going to eat that shit. 

They were getting all toasty in the oven when I hear the sound I love most in the world "MMOOOOMMMMYYYYY!!!!" 
"what"
"HHEENNNRRYYY WAS SWINGING HIS HAPPY NAPPER AROUND AND KNOCKED OVER A WHOLE DRINK ALL OVER YOUR COMPUUUUUUTER!!" 
"shit".

Downstairs I go to clean up the diet soda (the LAST of my diet soda I might add. That stuff is my own personal meth.) that was spilled, no, FLUNG all over the basement.  Forgot about the pizzas.  The house starts filling up with smoke.

I tear up the steps, fling open the oven and grab the trays forgetting I had covered them in parchment (first and last time.  Martha Stewart be damned) and the stupid things go FLYING off of the trays all over the bottom of the oven and like little mini Frisbees launch themselves throughout my kitchen. Some land on me, cheese side down.  It melted my skin like napalm. 

I go to grab the second tray, and do the same damn thing.  I know, I know, I'm a moron.  But it happened. 

I panicked.  The pizzas on the heating element were about to catch fire.  They were burning my hands.  I could only find a cheap plastic thing to dig them out with.  Which promptly melted on the elements. 

The boys saw the pizzas and started freaking out because they didn't want pizzas for lunch.  I was THIS CLOSE to serving them the face down dirty ass pizzas just because they are ungrateful a-holes.  But I didn't. 

The baby was losing it about, well, who the hell knows. Whatever she loses it about.

Then it hit me.  I RAN to the bathroom and began my own course down the stomach flu road. 

The rest of the day was a blur.  I'm not even sure I was awake for any of it.  I may have just stuck them all in the closet and left them there til my husband got home. 

The next day was a bit less traumatic, but since I was the only sick one, and the kids were healthy and CRAZY, it was still a bit of a nightmare.


This is why I smell like vomit and have the same clothes on from 2 days ago.  Don't drop by for about a week.

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.....I'm changing my tune...a bit.

.....I'm changing my tune...a bit.

 I am a Christian.  I love God and He loves me.  I go to church almost every Sunday.  I am a fiscal conservative.  I'm Pro Life.  I don't really care about animal rights.  I try to feed my family with as much natural stuff as I can.  But I'm not an organic manic.

I know where I stand on almost EVERY issue.  I can give reasons and statistics backing up most of my stances.  I have an opinion about EVERYTHING. 

But I don't know where I stand on the moral aspect of homosexuality.  *GASP*  (I just heard all of my Christian friends faint and my Liberal friends' jaws hit the floor.)

I really don't.  I hear what the Christian Conservatives are saying about it.  I have read it all in the bible.  Hear them saying what an abomination it is. 

And maybe it is.  I haven't figured it out for myself yet.  Here's what I DO understand.

The institute of marriage they  are all so hell bent on protecting?  You know the one 50% of straight couples totally ignore?  I don't think it's being ruined by same sex couples.  Considering they can't even GET married yet, I'd say they can't actually be the problem.

Want me to tell  you what is ruining the institution of marriage?  We are.

  No one even knows what the word "vow" actually means.  Marriage is just a way to be comfortable for a few years til we get tired of it and want to try something else.   (I know, I know, it was different for you.  Your spouse was impossible.  You just couldn't deal with it anymore.)

For better and for worse.  For richer for poorer.  Til death do you part.  I don't think this is getting through to people.  I think vows should sound like this:

"I understand that we are going to be married for the rest of our lives.  If you gain 300lbs.  If I tattoo my entire body.  If I spend all of our money.  If you burn our house down.  If we have kids.  If we don't have kids.  If you decide to quit your job and travel with the Harlem Globe Trotters.  If I decide to change my name to Mother Oak Leaf and start my own Wiccan tribe.  We will still be married. 

Shit's gonna go down.  People are going to be unhappy.  And we will still be married."

So why aren't these same people who are outside the courthouse protesting gay civil unions also outside the courthouse shouting obscenities at people filing for divorce.  Those are the people who are truly ruining the sanctity of marriage.

Let's say for argument's sake that it is a sin to be gay.  What is it about this sin that makes it "Public Enemy Number One?"  Why is it so harmful that we are pushing it to the top of the  "Stuff to Make Laws About" list?  I can think of about 50 things I feel are more detrimental to society right now than same sex marriage.  Just off the top of my head.

 SO WHAT if two people with the same sex organs want to get life insurance policies on each other? There are hundreds of thousands of girls trapped in America's sex trafficking underground.  You almost NEVER hear anything about it.  Which do you think is a bigger issue?

SO WHAT if Steve and Stu want to exchange rings and have wedding cake and a mortgage together? 3-4 women PER DAY are KILLED by their husbands.  Which do you think is a bigger issue?

SO WHAT if you might have to explain to your kid that the neighbors live in a way you don't necessarily agree with?  Every 50 seconds someone is killed by a drunk driver.  Which do yo think is a bigger issue? 

I would love to keep going.  But I'm running out of gay couple analogies. 

Bottom line is this:

1) You don't have to love the sin.  But you do have to love the person.  And  you don't treat people you love the way you are treating gay citizens. 
2) If you are claiming to be opposing homosexuality because of your Christianity.  Maybe you should use it to oppose something a bit more pressing.  Just maybe.


Stay Tuned for Part 2:  They want to have BABIES TOO!?

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....I am a party pooper.

....I am a party pooper.

Planning a birthday party for my 5 yr old. We have set a budget for everything, including his present. It is a STRICT budget. It is a race car birthday, as deemed by his majesty the birthday boy. We are making most of the decorations and the race car track. I am making the craft we will do. We are getting the $5 pizzas from Little Caesars. Homemade cake.  You know, going all out.

I get a little stumped today on what to use for homemade decorations and so hop online to GTS (Google that shit. For future reference).

Holy spoiled  kids. My wedding wasn't as elaborate as some of these parties. Real hubcaps on the walls.  Cake tables with bigger cakes than most wedding cakes and a spread of food fit for a Las Vegas buffet.  All they needed was half naked girls with feathers on their heads, cheap booze, and legal prostitution and they could have called it a destination birthday.

 "Hey!! You turned 5!!! No one else on earth have ever achieved such a feat!!! You deserve a day long extravaganza with as many people you can think of and some you don't even know and a cake bigger than mommy's wedding cake!! Oh, and how about $200 in some decorations we are going to throw away in 2 days!! $100/day is pittance compared to what an amazing, intelligent kid you are for turning 5!!"

He didn't graduate college at 16.  He didn't win the Nobel Prize.  He did something that EVERY kid does 5 years after they are born.  He turned 5.

And just think, you will have to top that the next year. And the year after that. You have a minimum of 15 years of parties for this kid and you take year 5 to this level? 

I am a professional face and body painter.  My living is 99% birthday parties.  I have seen it all.  It just keeps getting more and more ridiculous.  Moms feel like they have to top other moms.  Dads trying to keep up and rolling their eyes at me every time their wife sends them to the store for "more of that good brie." (This actually happened at a 3-year-old's birthday party).  

College girls walking into the house hung over, in their street clothes and emerging from the powder room transformed into Cinderella, or Snow white.  Like the little girls actual future walked into the bathroom, and emerged as what she thinks it will be like. 

I'm not an exception to this.  I have to put myself in check (and sometimes my cash flow does it for me).  I have to step back and think "He can have a good time and a fantastic birthday whether I spend $500 or $100." And what a great lesson for him (and me) to learn.  Money doesn't buy happiness.  And neither does Hubcaps on the walls. 

This all is part of a bigger picture I'll explain in pt. 2 of this topic. Stay tuned!

Becca

Update:  Here is Pt. 2

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....My Child's Life Coach. (Party Pooper pt. 2)

....My Child's Life Coach. (Party Pooper pt. 2)

 I recently read an article. 

I wanted to scream this woman's praises from the rooftops of every Chuck E. Cheese in town.  It made so much sense.  I highly recommend you read it in it's entirety.  But here's what I took away from it.


My kids are important to me.  They are amazing little creatures. But they aren't made of glass. 

They aren't going to break if I don't go running like a mad woman every time they trip.

They aren't going to be scarred for life if someone calls them "stupid" on the playground.

 Sometimes, if they are the kid hanging by themselves in the corner, well, I am too sometimes. Life sucks.  Life will hurt you.  And if you don't learn these things as a kid, then you are in for some rough times as an adult.  And a TON of therapy.

The trick is, to be there for them when they DO learn these things. 

That's what it should look like to be a parent.  Not to keep them from getting their feelings hurt, not to make sure they don't feel alone sometimes.  But to be a soft place to land when these things DO happen. And to teach them that their feelings aren't always the only ones that matter. 


No matter how much you want to protect them, you won't always be around.  Life gets a lot harder the longer you live it.  And if they aren't prepared for the physical and emotional "ouchies", then you are doing them a serious disservice.

For example:

When they fall, give it a second and let them figure it out first.  They have amazing little brains and can cope with tons of stuff.  If you go sprinting to them and pick them up before they even have a clue what happened, you are showing them that every fall is worth freaking out about and even the little ones are cause for alarm. And practically speaking, you aren't allowing them to figure out what to do after you get hurt!  So they fall and you aren't around, poor little Billy will freak out til someone comes to help.  And that's not the lesson you want him to learn.

When they get their feelings hurt.  Let them process it.  Let their minds run through it a few times, maybe for a few days. Then ask them what happened, or what they are feeling.  Or better yet let them come to you and ask you questions.   If they don't, maybe it wasn't as big a deal as you thought, and maybe bringing it up will only remind them and make it hurt all over again.

I'm sure most of you have heard about the trend of not keeping score during youth sports. I never have understood this. In the real world, you will be competing. Why is this seen as a bad thing? It's all in how it is taught!

Of course you shouldn't be teaching cut throat, no holds barred competition. But a fair, "may the best man win" competition is healthy! It is such a good tool for teaching your child to be a good loser (which he will be at some point) and a gracious winner (which he will also be!)

I'm as guilty as the next guy (or chick) who tries to keep the world from harming my little angels.  When another kid calls them a name, or hits one of them, Mama Bear wants to flip out and unleash on that brat's mother. Or run to the two kids and help them work it out between them and make everyone play nicey-nicey again. 

After re-thinking this.  I feel like maybe the better option is to let the kids figure it out themselves.  If things aren't worked through, then later, outside of the situation, where my kid and I can be alone and calm, we can have a discussion about what happened and how we could change the outcome next time. 



Our job is to prepare our kids for life.  For all of life. For bullies in the 3rd grade. For peer pressure in high school. For that douche bag in college. For rejection after interviews.   For jobs where you are treated unfairly and there is truly nothing you can do about it.  Even the shitty, lonely, eating ice cream and crying with a broken leg and a broken heart parts. 

When (not if) these things happen, we want them to be able to come through wiser and not broken.  Maybe bruised.  But not broken.

So help them develop those calluses now, and teach them how to deal with them and how to work around them.  Or maybe broken is how they will end up.

Becca

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